i felt like i needed to write. to get my thoughts figured out i guess. i’ve been having this feeling deep, down in the pit of my stomach lately & i can’t seem to shake it off. i don’t know what it is really.. can’t seem to pin point it. i feel like the last month or so i’ve been on this roller coaster ride with my feelings. & lately it seems like they’ve been more… intense i guess is the word? ahh now i feel like i’m just a bipolar case & weird. lol.

but really when i try and break it down in my head it all leads back to one moment, one memory. i guess i am having a hard time keeping my faith in things, people, situations, life in general. i am who i am- i’m that hopeless romantic. i believe/d in serendipity. at least i thought i did. 

i guess i really feel like it’s just not in the cards for me. i guess to put it in laymen’s terms, the question i have is, when will my life begin? because i really feel like i’m not living, in a sense. i’m just here. floating on. you just start to wonder why you’re here, not there. you wonder what’s the whole point of it all. is this all really a grand design that has been set and we’re just here waiting to see what happens next? or do we really have a choice. 

there was a time where i believed that we did, but with a little bit of fate or magic, it gave the whole effect that there was somethng to believe in; something to hold onto in this world that gives you hope. and i’m just wondering if that feeling will ever happen again for me? sometimes i feel like it will, sometimes i feel that bit of a spark again. but then, like everything else in life, one step forward, 3857659230475 steps back. 

so what am i left with? what do i do now to fix this? because i’d really like some answers so i can get out of this weird funk of mine. aye.