i am crying my guts out
A sign in Moore, Oklahoma today
I feel like it was fate that I had picked up this book and started reading it a week ago. I read this book at least once every year since I first picked it up in 2007 (???) I think. I remember standing in Borders (when they still had them) and the title just caught my eye. Sat down and read the first five chapters and fell in love. A lot of people say its such a sad story and I agree, but I think it’s so much more than that. You learn that each life has a story and those stories intertwine with other stories and that every choice, every decision matters.
The last two days have been so difficult. I was trying to remember what was the last thing that I said to my grandpa. What was our last conversation? It was me saying hello, like I always do when I come home from work, rehearsal, school— anything. I walk past my grandparents room and say “Hello!” And they say hi. And my grandma always asks me your home from..? And I tell her rehearsal, work whatever. And she smiles and asks me if I ate already. And my grandpa lies there watching Spanish wrestling. Lol. He is quite a character.
I am trying to be strong right now, mostly for my family. I feel like if I break, everyone else will. Or if they see me cry they’ll focus on me when what they should be focused on is my grandpa.
My grandma looked so small tonight. She looked so helpless and it hurt to know that all she kept saying to him was “Please, just wake up. Open your eyes.” She was just so small.
I was happy that I got to see him tonight though. Even if it was for just 15 minutes. He looked like he was just sleeping, snoring loudly like he always does. It was weird.
As much as I am hurting right now I have to say I am so blessed to have the people that I do in my life. I have family who no matter how much we bicker and argue with each other, we love and support each other to no end. I have best friends who are constantly checking up on me making sure I have everything I need. I have colleagues and friends who show support and constant love. I am reminded of how blessed and lucky I am to have these people in my life. And it’s this knowledge that keeps me going.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
However long it takes.
I ship them so hard. Lol. ☺❤
Surprise Delena Kisses
#TeamDelena always. ❤
Damon Salvatore + happiness
1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.
2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.
3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.
4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.
5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.
6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.
7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.
8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.
9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.
10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.
Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.
Come What May (Glee Cast Version)
This is just everything.